


Of Dangling Shoes of Past, a Mummified Greasemonkey, and an Unbreakable Family

by Diary



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkwardness, Background Relationships, Bechdel Test Fail, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Family, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Late Night Conversations, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Minor Adam Barton/Victoria Barton, POV Aaron Dingle, POV Male Character, POV Queer Character, Past Child Abuse, Past Incest, Past Infidelity, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10027166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: Pre-engagement and marriage AU of Aaron trying to deal with his insecurities and both failing and succeeding along the way. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Emmerdale.

In the portacabin, before he loses his nerve, Aaron blurts out, “I need to end things with Robert.”

Adam sets his chips down and looks over. “Oh, mate. What’d he do?”

He thought he’d prepared himself for such a question, but now, with it hanging in the air, he realises there’s no good way to explain.

Robert hasn’t done anything _bad_.

Last night, they’d shagged, and it’d been mind-blowing. He’d been happy and sleepy, and then, Robert had wrapped around him and murmured, “I love ya, Aaron.”

Sometimes, Robert says variations of this.

About a month ago, he had been bone tired, and Robert hadn’t been. He still isn’t sure what exactly he’d been expecting, but it hadn’t happened. Robert had made some teasing comment, wrapped the sheets tightly around Aaron, then, wrapped himself around the sheet-covered Aaron, and through his irritated, defensive confusion, Aaron had quickly slipped into a deep sleep.

When he’d woken up in the morning, Robert was still curled around him with no evidence he’d left. There wasn’t the smell of anyone else on him, and there wasn’t any indication he’d taken a shower and gotten back in bed.

Liv and Robert have been getting on lately.

The list of people who would give him never-ending hell if he said this is too long for him to ever do so, but: Sometimes, he wishes he’d just accepted it during the Ryan situation when he thought Robert had been out on the pull.

Robert Sugden has never been faithful to anyone. No one has ever been enough for Robert, and when he compares himself to some of the others Robert has been with, he knows they all had a better chance at being enough than he ever will.

Waiting for the day it’s confirmed your boyfriend has being running around on you is no way to live, he knows. He just doesn’t know how to explain to anyone, least of all Robert, why he can’t fully trust Robert, because, for months, Robert has been doing everything right.

Maybe, if Robert would just stop saying, ‘I love you,’ Aaron could ignore the fact he- Robert does love him, but he's learned from the past and can no longer bring himself to believe it’s on the same level Aaron feels for him, and if he could just ignore this fact, he’d be better off.

Seeing Adam is still waiting for an answer, he settles for, “Nothing. That’s the thing. He’s done nothing wrong. But- I know him. He will, eventually. I can trust him with a lot of things I couldn’t before, but I can’t trust him. Reckon that’s unfair?”

“Nah, mate,” is Adam’s soft reply. Getting up, he comes over, and scooting Aaron’s lunch over, he sits on the desk. When he curls his hand around the back of Aaron’s neck, Aaron feels some of the tension leaving his body. “But since he hasn’t done anything wrong, you need to explain this to him, mate. If he had, I’d say chuck him out without a word and, maybe, call Cain so that I don’t have deal with him again at me and Vic’s, but well, sometimes, it’s no one’s fault, and when that’s the case, best to try to make that clear, yeah?”

Reluctantly, he nods. “Thanks, mate.”

…

Even when Robert isn’t actively being manipulative, he can be a right manipulative bastard.

He's aware having this response to his boyfriend cooking his (Aaron’s) kid’s sister favourite for tea is mental.

“Hey.”

Setting his book down, Robert looks over.

Leaning over, Aaron softly kisses him. “Thanks. For doing Liv’s tea tonight.”

Smiling, Robert says, “I told ya, everyone loves me eventually.”

Aside from not being able to believe Robert is going to stay faithful, part of him is always worrying about Liv. He wants so badly for Liv and Robert to be family, but- Robert had no problem going from protecting and spoiling Lachlan to waging war on him. He put a different teenage boy in his boot. He said himself, “I didn’t sign up for this,” and then, Liv went and almost got him sent down.

Liv is his family, and before anything and anyone else, he needs to try to make sure she’s always safe, healthy, and happy.

Still, the vague plans he had for ending things tonight have gone out the window. Liv’s happy and tucked up in her room, his mum and Diane are watching telly downstairs, and Robert is stripped down to his pants, warm, and happily reading.

“I’m going to turn in early,” he says.

Nodding, Robert gives him a quick kiss.

Easing down onto his stomach, he arranges the sheets so they’re covering his eyes from the lights and wonders, if Robert was really fine with the times when Chrissie was tired or just not in the mood. Him being with Aaron probably didn’t have much to do with those times, but he’s always been too afraid to ask if Robert really did have others when he was with Chrissie and Aaron both.

Listening to the turning pages, he half-dozes.

Then, it’s dark, and he’s being rearranged.

Mumbling, he tries to swat at the interruption to his sleep.

“Here,” Robert’s amused voice says. “Sorry, mate, but you can’t have the entire bed to yourself. Like an octopus, you are, I swear.”

He isn’t awake enough to make his offence at this known, but he does register the thought, _It’s **my** bed_ , with a shiver.

The coldness doesn’t last. He feels Robert wrapping an arm around him, slipping a hand under his shirt and pressing it against his stomach, and solid, soft, strong warmth pressing against his back. They’re both under the sheets, he realises, and it’s so warm, he quickly falls into a deep sleep.

…

In the morning, his ankles are slightly red and sore, and he wonders when it became so easy to sleep through Robert’s fierce kicks.

He sends a text to Adam telling him he and Robert are still together.

…

After two more days of failing to find the right time, he finally gives Liv some money, sends her off for with a night out with Gabby (he’ll be getting a call from Bernice or Laurel, he knows), and suggests he and Robert go for a walk.

“Trying to get me all alone for something special,” Robert teases.

And he’s smiling under the lamppost, looking half-cherubic, half-devilish, and Aaron only knows he loves him. He wishes he had a better understanding of why. It’s been almost a year since the trial, and anyone would fall in love with the Robert who kept him steady and sane without taking or even asking for anything through it. Anyone would fall in love with the Robert after the trial even with the kidnapping of a teenage boy.

It wasn’t just sex. You can’t fall in love because of mind-blowing sex, he knows. Sex was just the starting point.

Robert was arrogant, smart to an irritating degree, and easy to look at. Then, he made Aaron feel good, and Aaron kept telling himself good sex didn’t mean-

In some ways, it’s Robert fault. He helped Aaron, encouraged him, made him feel worthy and special, and it became so easy to talk to him about inane things and share quiet moments with him.

Katie would still be alive if not for them, and Robert wouldn’t have a scar on his chest. All the times Robert’s outright cuddled him won’t ever erase the fear and wishing he could just die when he was left alone, tied to a radiator, in the dark with a pounding head.

Robert almost took his real dad away, and even now, Paddy makes it no secret he’s never going to do more than tolerate this relationship.

Probably the worst thing is, if he could believe he was always going to be enough for Robert, he wouldn’t worry about Liv, would deal with the hurt of Paddy’s rejection, and would try to make sure Robert was as happy as he’s been.

Sighing, he kisses Robert.

It feels so good.

“This isn’t working. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, but you need to leave.”

Looking at him with hurt bewilderment, Robert asks, “What? Aaron? What?”

“We’re done,” he forces out.

“What have I done? Aaron? Please, whatever I did-”

“You didn’t. You’ve done nothing wrong. Look-” He groans. “I’m sorry, Robert. This is all about-”

“Don’t,” Robert warns. “Don’t give me the ‘it’s me, not you’ speech. Something had to have- We’ve been happy.”

“We have,” he acknowledges before he can stop himself. “But I don’t owe you an explanation, mate. Wanting someone doesn’t mean you’re entitled to have them. They get to decide whether they want you or not.”

Robert takes a deep breath, and when he speaks, his words are calm, “And you’re saying you don’t want me?”

“I’m saying we’re done.”

Moving forward, Robert reaches over to touch his cheek, and he blocks the movement.

“You don’t have to say the words,” Robert softly says. “I’ve never pushed you. Just yes or no. Do you love me, Aaron?”

“I’ll go get a pillow and blanket for the couch." Turning, he starts heading back. “If ya want, you can blame me, and I’ll wait ‘til you’re at Adam and Vic’s tomorrow to tell the others we’ve broken up. Of course, my mum'll blame you, but I’ll try my best to-”

He finds himself against a wall, but there was no shoving. Robert has one hand on his shoulder and the other around his waist. He can feel fingers gently stroking and pressing into his side.

Pressing closer against him, Robert rests his own head against the wall.

The feel and smell of Robert is- he doesn’t want to get away from it, but he feels he needs to, and it’s impossible to do so.

“Robert-” He gives a careful shove.

Robert’s response is to grab both his wrists and simply hold them.

“Oh, what, you think you can just keep me here until I do what you want,” he challenges.

“No,” is the quiet response. “I can’t stop you from ending things. Force you to stay with me. After everything, I wouldn’t want to. But even knowing I might end up dealing with Cain, I’m not going to leave you alone until you answer my question. Yes or no? You want me gone? Then, tell me again you hate me. That I disgust you. Lay out my sins.”

Traitorous tears start to form, and trying to keep them contained, he says, “You know I don’t hate you, Robert. After everything you’ve done- I owe so much to you.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Robert says. “Maybe I should just walk away. But I’m not going to have any chance at real peace until I get an answer. So- just give it to me, Aaron. Even if the answer’s yes, I’ll still- for now, I’ll go back to Vic’s. Yes or no, though, you and I still have a lot to talk about.”

“You know,” he whispers.

“Do I? I thought I did. But then, I also thought that we happy. That _you_ were happy and secure and that I was part of you being that way.”

He tugs, and Robert easily releases his wrists.

Wiping at the tears, he takes several calming breaths. “You love me. You’ve done so much for me. Except, you loved Chrissie and Katie, too. Katie- part of that’s my fault.” Waving away Robert’s protests, he continues, “Chrissie, though, if you ever genuinely loved her, even with what she did to Andy, how can- If it weren’t my mum and, later on, Liv, especially, I don’t know if I could have- I hate Gordon, and I hope he rots in hell, but he was my dad, and there was a time I loved him and my mum more than anyone or anything. What he did doesn’t change how I once felt. If that makes any sense.”

“How would you know,” Robert demands with a bit of irritation creeping into his tone. “If I tried to talk to you- like you wouldn’t be jealous and misconstrue it! Here, how ‘bout we do truth for truth, unvarnished on both sides? I loved Chrissie. I thought she was the love of my life, and I genuinely cared about Lachlan, partly because he was part of her, and partly because he was just a little kid when I first met him.”

“Then, I met you, and you changed everything. I realised she wasn’t the love of my life. That isn’t her fault. I did her wrong in so many different ways, and even after that, she still helped Diane out of genuine kindness.”

Finally moving away, Robert leans against the wall near him. “Sometimes, I do wonder how Lachlan might have turned out if not for me screwing things up for his mum and grandad. But you know I don’t believe in dwelling on the past and indulging guilt. I tried to make up for it as best I could. Andy hurt her, and she hurt him back. The thing is, Andy’s my brother, and more than just him in our family is suffering because of what she and Lachlan and Lawrence have done. So, I’m not going to stop until he’s safely back, and if she or any of the rest of the White family is punished in the process, good.”

“And I can’t disagree with any of that,” he says. “But I might not be the love of your life, either, and for Liv’s sake, I can’t risk being in a similar place to Chrissie someday. Besides that, I can’t- I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, Robert. For you to do me like you’ve done Chrissie and Katie and however many others.”

Pushing away from the wall, he turns. “You want an answer so badly? Yes. I love you, Robert. I want you so badly. I’m close to being a mentalist with how stupidly gone I am for you. It’s just- I’m trying not to hurt myself anymore, and being desperate for you to love me the way I love you, for you to want me, only me, the way I only want you, and knowing that you never will- it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s not fair to you. Whether you’ll be worth it or not, you deserve someone who won’t hold your past against ya.”

“Don’t hold back, eh,” is Robert’s bitter reply. Before he can say anything, however, Robert sighs. “Fine. I can’t- I really thought I could. But I just can’t make you happy, can I? I’ll go to tomorrow, try to get my stuff out when no else is around. Please, don’t sleep on the sofa. Chas’ll know tonight if you do. I’ll stick to my side, you stick to yours, and I promise I won’t touch you.”

“Yeah, alright,” he miserably agrees.

…

Robert is true to his word, and Aaron finds he can’t fall asleep.

Eventually, Robert’s soft snores fill the room, and he lies there, feeling the faint body heat coming off Robert, being able to faintly smell his overpriced shampoo, and needing so badly for Robert’s arm to be draped over him.

Robert rolls onto to his side, and Aaron studies his face as best he can in the dark. A sharp kick causes pains to shoot through his leg, and he just barely manages to avoid gasping.

More kicks and Robert turning positions and tugging the covers happens to the point where he gets up, goes to sit in the loo for about an hour, comes back, and finally simply sits up in bed and waits for morning to come. He presses his knees against his chest and tries his best to wrap the sheets around Robert the way Robert has done him. He doesn’t think he does quite as well, but Robert stops shifting and kicking so much and takes to simply punctuating his snores with mumbles Aaron can’t make out.

…

In the morning, Robert cooks breakfast, and Liv and his mum are too busy arguing over whether Gabby’s latest punishment is fair or not to notice anything is wrong.

Once they’re gone, he starts, “Robert-”

“I’m going to pack. Best get to the scrapyard. It doesn’t matter if you’re here or not, I’m taking the purple sheets and Liv’s Sherlock Holmes DVDs.”

“The sheets are fair, but do you really think I’m letting you take my sister’s-”

Robert looks over with sharp eyes. “I bought them.”

“For her! No way are you-”

“She can come over and watch them whenever she wants. Or whenever you let her, I suppose, but they’re coming with me. Want to drag Vic and Adam into our mess? I’ll call my sister and tell her that, after you chucked me away, you aren’t letting me take the DVDs that I bought with me.”

“Go ahead,” he challenges. “I’ll tell her that you gave them to my kid sister, she loves them, and you’re hurting her to punish me. Reckon that will go over well?”

Scoffing, Robert goes upstairs, and he follows.

…

“Noah, I swear, if you’ve done something to my Sherlock Holmes DVDs,” he hears Liv screaming.

Cursing, he heads upstairs.

He’d watched Robert like a hawk, but of course, Robert flipping Sugden found a way-

“Aaron! Robert! Chas! Will someone please make him give-”

“Liv,” he quietly says. “Put Noah’s game down, and come here. We need to talk.”

Giving him a concerned look, she does.

In his room, they sit on the bed, and he tentatively wraps around her.

Allowing it, she asks, “Aaron?”

Taking a deep breath, he explains.

…

“Oh,” she says. “Um, do you want me to sleep in here tonight? It’s just- Would that help you?”

“No. But thank you.” He kisses her head.

“I- Really, if this has something to do with me-”

“Liv, I swear, it doesn’t. And I’ll get you your DVDs back, or I’ll buy you some new ones, alright?”

“I don’t care about them. He doesn’t have the right to hurt-”

“Hey,” he firmly says. “ _I_ ended things, not him. He didn’t do anything wrong. Well, I mean, until he stole the DVDs. It just wasn’t working. Sometimes, relationships don’t.”

“But there weren’t- you both seemed happy,” she persists.

“We were. It’s just-” He considers how to explain. “Look, it’s complicated, yeah?”

…

The next day, Vic says, “Here,” and presses the DVDs into his hands. “Sorry. It’s just- Robert can be like that, yeah? Don’t make me and Adam take sides, Aaron. We love ya both. He’s my brother, and you’re our mate.”

“As long as he leaves my sister’s stuff alone, I’ll leave him alone.”

Nodding, she gives him a quick hug. “I’m sorry.”

…

Things- he supposes they’re alright.

He sees Robert in the pub almost every day, but Robert doesn’t try to make conversation. At the end of the month, Robert comes down to the scrapyard, and they'll go over the books with Adam. Robert mostly talks to Adam during.

Adam doesn’t talk much about Robert, although, occasionally, something will slip.

He gets to a point where it doesn’t take hours for him to fall asleep at night. However, sometimes, he’ll wake up cold and scared and desperately wanting some sign of Robert, a smell, a touch, hearing his voice, anything, but after Robert left, he thoroughly washed all the sheets, blankets, and pillows, and he’s not going to call Robert’s mobile or Adam and Vic’s landline in the middle of the night.

…

At the end of the day, he and Adam are getting ready to go down to the pub when Adam’s phone chimes. After looking down and reading the text, Adam says, “Hey, uh, just a minute, yeah, mate?”

“Alright."

Adam goes outside, and through the window, Aaron watches him talking on his mobile.

Coming back inside, Adam says, “So, uh, how long has it been since you’ve even tried putting yourself back out there, mate? I know Liv doesn’t have anything important right now. How’s about you and me go into town? Get a pint, treat ourselves to burgers, and if you happen to meet someone, great, but if not, we can still have some fun.”

Suspicious, he asks, “Are you and Vic having problems or summat?”

“What? Oh, no. C’mon, mate, it’s just been ages since we’ve had a lad’s night out.”

“Alright, that does sound good. Need to go change, though, don’t we?”

“No,” Adam hurriedly says, and his suspicions return at full force. “It doesn’t matter with me, I have Vic, but I’m sure there are lads who-”

“I’m not going into town in this,” he firmly declares.

“I think you have some stuff over at our place,” Adam says. “Let’s stop there, first. If so, that’d be better than dealing with your mum, right?”

“What’s going on, Adam?”

Putting an arm around his shoulder, Adam answers, “Nothing, mate. I swear.”

…

There isn’t stuff at Adam’s, and after again refusing to just go into town in his scrapyard gear, he finds himself rapidly losing patience when it becomes clear Adam truly is trying to keep him from going into the pub.

“Oh, yeah, sure, go on up into my room and get clothes for me while I wait in the car. Then, I suppose we can go back to yours, and I can change there. ‘Cause that all makes sense. What are you playing at?”

“I’m not-” Adam starts.

Fed up, he gets out of the car, goes inside, and sees right away what Adam didn’t want him to see: Robert is obviously on a date with some woman. She’s pretty, about Robert’s age, and obviously completely gone on Robert.

Feeling Adam’s hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off. “I’ll go change. Town does sound good.”

…

“Mate-”

“Someone should warn her." He takes another swing of his beer. “But it won’t be me. I didn’t really expect any better from him, anyways.”

“Vic says that it’s just a business dinner.”

Laughing, he replies, “Right, then, we’d know about it, wouldn’t we? Robert isn’t working for the Whites, anymore, even if he is living off the money he got from the divorce settlement. That and his share of the scrapyard. We’re the only-”

“Aaron,” Adam softly says.

Shuddering, he shakes his head. “It’s fine. It hurts, but it’s fine. I’m not going to do anything stupid over it.”

…

In the morning, Robert shows up when he’s leaving. “Aaron!”

Stopping, he greets, “Robert.”

“Despite my arguments that it’s none of your business, Vic has made it clear I will talk to ya. So.” Robert takes a small breath. “Last night, it was a job interview. There’s a start-up computer store in town, and I interviewed-”

“At night, in a pub, right,” he sarcastically says. “No, you know what? You’re right: It _is_ none of my business. Tell Vic we’ve talked. And- Nothing. One of these days, your luck’s going to run out, mate. Ya can’t hide who you are forever.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Suddenly completely drained, he tiredly says, “She isn’t going to make ya straight.”

“No, just like you didn’t make me gay,” Robert replies. “Never mind the fact she’s married and four months pregnant with their first kid, you go on about accepting what you are and what I am, but I’ve had to come to terms with being bisexual all on my own. That’s what I am. I tried to bury it for longer than you did being gay. Vic, she’s better than our Dad was, at least, but even she doesn’t really understand it.”

He scoffs. “That’s convenient, innit? Tell me, even if you really liked shagging Chrissie before ya met me, after we started, how many times was I in your head when you were in her bed, huh? Kissing her, touching her, holding her, and I’m willing to bet, more times than not, you were wanting me.”

“All the time,” is Robert’s calm answer. “That doesn’t mean I don’t like both, it just means I’ve been head-over-heels in love with you practically since I first met ya.”

He gapes, and giving him a scathing, icy look, Robert says, “You won’t admit it, but you hate the thought of me with anyone. If it’d been a bloke last night, you’d have either believed it was actually just a job interview, or you’d be just as jealous, frustrated, and hurt as you are right now. But I refuse to feel guilty. I waited for you for months. I did everything I thought I could do to be a family with you and Liv. If I could have done anything else, instead of telling me, you ended things.”

In response, Aaron stalks off.

…

He has dreams of Robert touching him and holding him mixed in with ones of Robert holding and doing explicit things with nameless, faceless other people, and he wakes up sweating, hard, and with twisty feelings in his stomach and throat.

…

Eventually, some of Robert’s words start to sink in, and one Saturday, seeing Robert in the pub alone, he buys two pints, takes them over, and asks, “Could me and you just talk a bit?”

Giving him a surprised look, Robert nods and motions for him to sit. When Aaron slides the pint over, he says, “Thanks.”

Quietly, he asks, “About your dad- If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t push, but did he know? That you liked blokes?”

“Yes,” is the toneless reply.

“What? Did you come out to him? About- being bisexual?”

Sipping his pint, Robert doesn’t look over.

He takes a deep breath. “I won’t push. I’m just- I’d really like ta know, if you’re up for it. To understand.”

Looking over, Robert quietly tells him about being fifteen and getting close to a slightly older farmhand. Eventually, they’d ended up in Robert’s room and shared a few kisses before Robert’s dad came in unannounced. He’d fired the lad, leathered Robert, and neither Robert or his dad ever talked about it again.

“Oh. Mate, I’m sorry.”

“You helped me, you know.” Smiling slightly, Robert continues, “I was determined to bury it. One-night stands, I tried not to even give myself that. This is who I am, though. I’m bi. My dad is dead, and I have to finally start living my life for me, not for him.”

Wishing he knew what to say, he nods. “So, uh- If you get the job, are- you aren’t moving, are ya?”

“No. Until I get Andy back, I’m staying put.”

“Right. Of course.”

“When I was a teenager, I wanted to go into computer programming. Money to be made, you know. Now- I just miss work. Meeting clients, talking out deals, going over contracts, all that. The computer store couldn’t offer me that.”

“Maybe, we can find more of that sort of stuff for you to do with the scrapyard,” he tentatively offers.

“That’d be nice,” Robert says. “Thanks for the pint.” He stands and, before leaving, squeezes Aaron’s shoulder.

He knows with a sinking feeling he’s not going to get much, if any, sleep during the night. As brief as it was, having Robert touch him- He wants to drag Robert upstairs. He wants to go somewhere private but not upstairs and talk even more about Robert’s past and his dreams. He wants to feel like he did the right thing in ending things rather than being afraid he’s permanently ruined something precious and good.

…

After their drink in the pub, he supposes things get a bit better. He still alternates between feeling numb and experiencing the pain too sharply, but he gets through each day without hurting himself. He and Robert talk more, but Robert always comes off a bit too subdued for the Robert that he knows. Not many jokes, sharp, smart remarks and observations, or even soft comments.

Then, one day, Robert appears unannounced in the scrapyard. “Right. So, Liv’s locked herself in my car. She almost got arrested earlier-” He forgot how physically deft Robert could be until now, when he stops Aaron from going past and has him pushed up against a wall of the portacabin- “but I sorted it. Now, I promised her I wouldn’t let you out until I was sure you were actually going to listen to her side before reacting.”

“Uh, right,” Adam says. “Aaron, that’s what you need to do, yeah, mate? Um, I’m going to go see if I can coax Liv out, you and Robert just- Alright.”

He leaves, and Aaron demands, “What happened?”

“Jacob did something to Gabby. I don’t know what. But, well, you know Liv isn’t going to let that stand. She shoved him around a bit in Bob’s, and there were some officers there. Luckily, I was, too.”

“Why does she-” He groans.

“Because she’s her. Your sister.” Letting out a small sound, Robert says, “She could have handled things a lot better, that’s for sure. But I think this is just something we’re going to have to accept about her: She’s loyal, just like her big brother, and if someone goes after a mate or her family, that’s when she gets pushed too far and is liable to chuck caution and common sense to the wind.”

“Yeah, but she’s my problem, isn’t she, not yours?” Rubbing his eyes, he takes a few deep breaths. “Look, Robert: Thank you. For doing this.”

“It was nothing.”

“Yeah, it was. You know it was.”

Shrugging, Robert moves away. “Ready to be calm and listen to her side?”

He nods.

…

After he and Liv have a long talk about what she did, she asks, “Why’d Robert help me?”

“I don’t know,” he answers. “Just be thankful he did.”

“I thought- I thought he didn’t like me. That he put up with me because of you. But he said, ‘I’d never let you get into too much trouble, not if I could help it.’”

“Robert does care about you beyond me, Liv,” he tells her. “That doesn’t mean he’s someone you should go running to when you have a problem.”

“I didn’t,” she points out. “He was just there, and he wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to let him take me to the scrapyard. I told him to just call ya, but he said that he had a better chance of keeping ya from going off in person than over the phone.”

 _I’ve made a terrible mistake_ , continues to grow even more sharp and insistent in his head.

…

It comes to a head.

He can’t say he’s surprised.

There’s a game night in the pub, and somehow, he and Robert end up on a team together, and even more surprisingly, they end up winning. Robert slings an arm over his shoulders and is cheerfully chattering, and pulling Robert through all the people milling about towards over near the toilets is almost done on autopilot.

Pushing Robert against the wall, Aaron kisses him.

It’s everything he’s been missing and needing, and he can’t decide between pulling Robert into the loo (his mum would _murder_ him) or dragging him back through the pub and upstairs.

“Wait.” Robert breaks the kiss. “Aaron, stop.”

Reluctantly doing so, he doesn't move his hands.

Thankfully, Robert doesn’t insist on it or move them himself.

“I can’t- I’m sorry, but I can’t. Given everything, I’m aware how this will sound, but I can’t be someone you just shag when the mood strikes. We both deserve better than that. I love you, and- after we got together proper, almost every time something went wrong or I did something or you just thought I did, you talked about ending things. That’s not healthy. It’s no way to live. You never trusting me or thinking I was worth it, me always being afraid of losing you. And that’s along the lines of what you were trying to say the night you did end things, innit? I didn’t really understand until now.”

Gently removing his hands, Robert walks away.

…

For two days, everything is numb.

Then, after he’s had tea and Liv is tucked into her room listening to music and likely texting Gabby, he goes over to Adam and Vic’s.

“Hey,” he says when Adam opens the door. “Is Robert in?”

“Yeah. Come on in. What’s this about, mate?”

“I’ll talk to you later, yeah. Right now, I just need to see Robert.”

“He’s in his room. I-”

“Don’t worry."

Going to the room and knocking, he opens the door before Robert can answer.

Looking up from the book he’s reading, Robert asks, “Aaron?”

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, what’s going on?”

Shutting the door, he comes over and manages to crawl around Robert so he’s lying on the bed with his back pressed against the wall. “I know this is completely mental, but can I just stay here for a bit?”

“Of course,” Robert says, and warm, firm palms are pressing against his forehead and cupping the back of his neck. “Do you need anything?”

“No. Just- go back to your reading.”

Radiating curiosity, Robert nevertheless does, and even knowing how weird this must be, finally feeling somewhere close to okay, he not-quite dozes.

…

“Hey,” Robert softly says. “Adam’s called your mum and told her you were staying over. I’m going to take off your shoes and trackies, alright?”

“m’kay,” he mumbles.

After they’re removed, he half-watches Robert change into a t-shirt and his own pair of pyjama bottoms, and part of him wants to protest. He knows Robert largely prefers to sleep in just his pants and almost never wears a shirt to bed.

There’s an extra blanket on the bed, he fuzzily notices, and he realises Adam or Vic must have brought it when one of them talked to Robert, or maybe Robert got it when he went to talk to them. He just has no memory of either of them coming in or of Robert leaving.

Then, Robert has wrapped the sheets securely around him, faced him towards the wall, crawled in beside him, pulled the blanket over both of them, and one arm is draped over the sheet-covered him.

He falls asleep, and a few times, painful kicks to the back of his legs cause the front of his legs to roughly hit the wall, but each time he wakes up, once he feels the arm around him and manages to squirm enough he can look over his shoulder and vaguely see Robert’s profile, he quickly falls back asleep.

…

In the morning, they go for a walk.

When they find a bench to sit at, he blurts out, “I miss you.”

Robert sighs.

“I wanted to trust you, and I thought I couldn’t. Except, I do.”

“This is likely the point where I get punched,” Robert says. “You know I’d never do what your dad did. In that way, yeah, I’m safe. I’m sorry you’ve been having trouble sleeping. I knew you weren’t getting much, but I had no idea it was this bad.”

Closing his eyes, he lets the anger and hurt have their say, and then, does his best to push them down.  

“Gordon’s dead, and even when he weren’t, when he wasn’t around, I never had any trouble sleeping. It’s not him or that happening I’m afraid of. I’m not afraid of anything, really.”

“Well, we both know that isn’t true,” Robert teases.

“Shut up.” He shoves at Robert.

Taking a breath, he looks over. “I’m serious, Robert. I’m sorry. Sorry I hurt both of us, sorry I ruined the good thing we had going. But, please. Just give me another chance, yeah? I promise I’ll try- I promise I’ll be better.”

“And what about Liv? What about the fact you’re always going to worry about me cheating?”

“I know you care about her,” he says. “As for the other- I’ll try. I might mess up, sometimes, let- but I want to believe ya, and I’ll try my best to. When there’s stuff wrong, I won’t just try to end things right away. We’d both need to work on just talking about things.”

“Everyone’s been worried about you, trying to make things easier for you,” Robert says. “Some of them, I know they’re never going to believe I didn’t do something wrong. But you’ve got your whole Dingle family, my brother-in-law, my stepmum, and most of the village. I’ve had Vic, and even then, she made it clear if I had done something- Would you take the risk if you were in my position? Give me one good reason I should. Why I should risk being hurt again when I know that I could end up completely alone when it happens.”

Putting his hand on Robert’s arm, he kisses him. “Because you can either live in the past, or you can be happy. We both know you always go for the latter.”

Scoffing, Robert replies, “Aren’t you confident? Some would say arrogantly presumptuous.”

“Nah. I just know you love me. And you know-” He catches Robert’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Robert agrees. “I know.” He strokes Aaron’s cheek. “We’re going to need to actually take it slow this time, though, slower than we did after the trial.”

“Okay."

Robert kisses him again, and he gets lost in it.

…

It isn’t long until they’re back to shagging.

At first, Robert had refused to move back or talk about getting their own place, but him spending almost every night squeezed onto Robert’s small bed and having bruised legs every morning quickly made it where Robert has not moved back, he just happens to spend every night in Aaron’s room (their room) and almost all of his stuff has made its way back.

This now, this isn’t shagging. He would never say any of the soft things better suited to describe it aloud, but-

It’s day, Liv and all the others are out, and Robert is taking his time, making Aaron work for every step further, not satisfied until what could be called begging is done, and he's a combination of what he’ll admit is desperation for release and a desire for it to never end.

“I love you,” tumbles out of Aaron.

Gentle hands pin his wrists down. “Hey, look at me.”

Shivering, he does.

“I love you,” Robert says. “I only want you, Aaron. Say you understand. That ya believe me.”

Shifting, he raises up enough to kiss Robert.

When it breaks, he’s surprised to realise he _does_.

“Aaron?” The hands leave his wrists.

Grabbing them, he links their fingers together and pulls Robert back down fully on top of him. “You love me. I’m the one you want and need. I know.”

“Good.”

“It’s the same. I love you, Robert. I never stopped.”

"I know," Robert says. "And I'm never going to stop. It's always going to be you, Aaron. Only you."

…

Later, they’re eating toast on the couch when Robert asks, “So, was it the heat of things, or have I finally convinced you?”

Pressing closer against Robert, he says, “You know I’m always going to be kind of messed in the head, Robert. Even with-” He hesitates. “I knew Jackson would never cheat. Even before the accident, I just knew he absolutely wasn’t that kind of bloke. But I still worried sometimes. Not exactly about that, but of him just deciding one day, he wanted someone different. Better. With Ed, sometimes, he’d go on trips with his teammates or have late and early practises, and I knew he wasn’t that kind of bloke, either, but there were a few times I did wonder.”

“There are times I’m going to- I really can’t help or stop it, mate. But I want to believe you, and I’m going to try my best. Because I do know you love me and I love you. I do think we can be happy together.”

“Fair enough.”

Finishing his toast, Robert wraps an arm around him. “I was messed up, too, y'know. In some ways, I always will be, too, but no one else even comes close to you. And I trust you, and I love you, and I’m not going to do ya wrong ever again.”

“Yeah, me neither,” he promises. Stealing a quick kiss, he continues, “So, are you ready to stop pretending ya haven’t moved back in? Getting a little tiring, mate, especially for Vic and Adam.”

“Shut up,” Robert mutters. “This isn’t exactly taking things slow, you know.”

“No, that was during the trial when you were my mate. Time for us to move on, yeah? Focus on my kid sister, your job search, and whatever else comes our way. That’s what families do, innit?”

Robert’s eyes and kiss are soft, but his hands and arms are solid and strong when he pulls Aaron closer against him. “Yeah, that’s what you, me, and Liv are going to do from now on.”

That’s what me and you have been doing for a long time, now, he suddenly realises.

He wishes he’d realised this sooner, but best he stick to his own words and focus on now.


End file.
